And Now, Something for My Fellow Christian Southerners

Let me suggest that if you’re a Southerner and are voting Republican, you are voting against your own self-interest. I understand that most of you are hawkish, don’t believe in abortion, and want to kill the terrorists before they come here and kill us.

First I want to say a few words about recent history. The Democratic party, with its emphasis on protecting the average working American – and the ones who have lost their jobs – is the natural home for the Southerner. That’s where a lot of you used to be. But y’all got derailed, and your daddy and mama remember why, just like mine would. First LBJ decided that civil rights applied to Americans, and that didn’t go over too well with some of you. But LBJ didn’t have much of a choice because the Constitution guarantees certain rights to Americans, not just white people. Okay, you’re getting used to that. Then your church told you that Democrats wanted to make sure that your daughter had a right to end her pregnancy with something besides a coat hanger. “Not my daughter,” you said, because you love your grandchildren, nevermind no Daddy. You love your bible too, because it says that abortion is wrong. No, excuse me, your preacher said that. It’s not in your bible, nor his. Go look for it if you don’t believe me. Then Reagan comes along, the affable Reagan, slaps you on the back like your uncle used to and says, “We’re with you, little fella. We care about the same things.” Well, violate me with a chainsaw if that had any more than a little truth to it, but he also said, “I’m tough, like you. Watch me stare down those commies.” And then, after handing you a bag of popcorn, he went and did it. Took a page out of JFK’s book and played chicken with the pinkos. You stood there with the popcorn, riveted. Put your hard working hand in the bag and came up with a fistful, shoved it in your mouth. Mmmm, good. Who was that nice man? Look, he’s killing commies for Christ.

(A fighter pilot once told me he did exactly that).

Let’s play Q & A. You might think it’s biased, but you’re not afraid of that. Hell, we’re both armed to the teeth. But I swear it will be fair and balanced.

Who twiddled his thumbs when Katrina and Rita flooded our homes, and two years later still hasn’t done shit about it? Bush. Who tried like hell to get health care for everyone you know, and did it before it was cool? A Clinton; specifically the one running for president now, that’s who. Too band you don’t like her. I don’t like her much either, but I can get over it for that. Who violated Christian ethics by getting a blowjob outside his marriage? The other Clinton, the one with the willy. Who wouldn’t do that? You, because you’re a Christian, and Christians don’t do that, right? Point for you. Who attacked another country first, for no reason and without an exit plan once the shock and awe petered out? Bush. Kick some ass, get back in the planes and go home. Who had a private meeting with energy CEOs and won’t tell you what they talked about? Cheney. Who won a national election after losing the popular vote? Bush. Who was governor of the state where the final cliffhanger of the vote was tallied? Bush’s brother, Jebidiah. Who chose the military’s Paris Hilton over a decorated Viet Nam vet? You. Who made fun of Al Gore before every reputable scientist in the world agreed with him? You, because you like cowboy movies. Hey, so do I! The Missouri Breaks, with Jack Nicholson, Marlon Brando and Kathleen Lloyd. 1976, check it out. Now who, I ask, just who has insured – absolutely insured – that there will be three or four or ten times as many terrorists trying to come over here to kill you than there were before 9/11? That’s right! Bush! You win a brand new SUV!! And who has focused more on granting amnesty to illegal aliens than on securing our borders and ports from those killers? Bush, goddammit! And who’s been calling me a sissy because I’d rather we concentrate on defending ourselves from the killers of your children instead of sending them to get their faces blown off in a civil war? Who’s been calling me an unpatiotic sissy?

You!!

Are you fucking stupid, or what?

The name-calling never ends. Okay, you’re not stupid, you just made a moron the leader of the free world.

I know that Democrats are complicit in this – I’m not stupid because I pay attention – but they weren’t running the country during this entire fucking mess. Weren’t even allowed in the conferences. The were under-elected. They did some of this, sure, but you carried the water for General Custer.

You put those people in power. You fell for it; you’ve been had for a bag of popcorn. I didn’t fall for it, and I’ll tell you why not. When Bush appeared on the national scene, he had a good ol’ boy affability about him. He talked straight – when he could talk. He seemed like a bumbling idiot to me. I’m from Louisiana and he’s from Kennibunkport, and who sounded like a mental eunuch? And now, over six years later, what does he look like? You ignored one of the most fundamental rules of logic: if it quacks like a duck, it’s a .... it’s a fucking duck!

What does he look like? The real answer is, he still looks like a bumbling idiot, but forget about that because now it’s Sunday. The traffic light shuts off, church is over and you’re at the movies rooting for a cowboy. A cyber cowboy, but a cowboy nevertheless. Bush is in the White House movie room doing the same thing, faithful wife by his side, salt on his lips and Jesus in his heart. He hands you the bag across time and space. He’s compassionate and knows that salt will make you thirsty, so he passes his drink to you, too. You’re grateful, because he’s compassionate and resolute. The Decider wants to Uniter with you over an all-American ritual.

Switch parties. You’ve been had. You not only drank the Koolaid, you ate the popcorn, and soon it’s going to tear you a new asshole.