Jokes

I have an enormous file of jokes. The ones below are somewhat clean, but not really. They’re not really that dirty, either. I hope no one is offended, but really, I don’t care. There are many jokes about old people, and I want to get something straight: I like old people, and I’ve spent a lot of time in a nursing home. So why do I make fun of them? Because I like the jokes. There are some about Cajuns, blonds, and professions. Women and men. Us. I have some hilariously vulgar french expressions, quite

offensive, but if you don’t see them, that means I chickened out. There’s a lot of jokes here, and you may not find some of them funny. If not, you’re wrong.

Drunk Again

Boudreaux staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Thibodeaux. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Marie. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. He landed heavily on his ass, and a half-pint whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke.

Managing not to yell, Boudreaux sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.

He got what he needed from the bathroom and began putting a Band-Aid on each place he saw blood, bending over with his pants around his ankles and his butt toward the mirror. He then hid the now almost empty box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Boudreaux woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Marie staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you Boudreaux?"

Boudreaux said, "Chere, how you know?"

"Well," she said, "it could’ve been the open front door, it could’ve been the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could’ve been the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could’ve been your bloodshot eyes, but mostly...... It's all those damn Band-Aids stuck on the downstairs mirror!"

At the Dentist’s Office

A blond goes to the dentist. The assistant shows her to the chair. The dentist walks in and sees that she's wearing headphones.

"Excuse me, miss, but I can't work on you if you're going to be wearing those headphones," he says.

"WHAT?"

He pulls off one of the earpieces and says, "Sorry, but you'll have to remove the headphones."

She looks frightened. "Oh no, I couldn't do that!"

"I'm sorry, but you’ll have to do it."

"I can't, no ... "

The dentist begins to realize what he's dealing with.

"Miss, really, you can, I know you can."

"Really?"

"Yes, really." He adds with a wink, "Trust me, now. I'm a doctor. You can take them off."

"Reeeally?"

"Reeeally."

"Well ... okay."

She takes the headphones off and puts them in her lap with the old fashioned cassette walkman. The dentist smiles and turns to prepare his equipment, humming to himself.

Ten seconds later he hears a clattering sound and turns around to see the blond spasming in the chair, the walkman and phones on the floor. Her spasms cease.

He rushes to her and knows immediately that she's too still. He listens to her heart. It has stopped.

"Oh my God," he thinks, "she's dead! What could have happened?!" He's frantic. "She told me she couldn't take off the headphones! What ... where are they?"

He picks them up from the floor and after he puts them on he hears, "Breathe in ..... breathe out ..... breathe in .. "

Down by The River

A blonde is taking a walk downtown. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

Dents

A blonde woman was driving her car home one night when she suddenly found herself in the middle of a really bad hail storm. The hail stones were as big as golf balls and her car got dented up really bad. The next day she took it in to a repair shop to have the dents looked at.

The repair guy, noticing that she was blonde, decides to have some fun. He tells her to blow into the tail pipe of the car really hard when she gets home, and that doing this will cause all of the dents to pop out.

When she gets home she puts her lips to the tailpipe and starts blowing into it as hard as she can, over and over, cheeks all puffed out.

Just then her best friend (who also is blonde) shows up. She sees her friend huffing and puffing into the pipe and blurts out nasally, "What are you doing!? and is told how the repair guy recommended blowing really hard into the tail pipe to pop out the dents .

Her girlfriend says, "Duh! You need to roll up the windows first!"

Three Bodies

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary in London, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.

"Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"

"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Boudreaux from Louisiana, 30, struck by lightning."

"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.

"He thought he was having his picture taken."

Dark in Here

A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Her 9-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, so she puts him in the closet and shuts the door. Her husband also comes home, so she puts her Lover in the closet, with the little boy.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball."

Man - "That's nice."

Boy - "Want to buy it?"

Man - "No, thanks."

Boy - "My dad's outside."

Man - Silence. Then, "OK, how much?"

Boy - "Two hundred and fifty"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."

Man - "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball glove."

The man, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"

Boy - "Three hundred"

Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."

The boy says, "I can't, I sold them."

"How much did you sell them for?"

“Five hundred."

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that! That’s way more than those two things cost. We’re going to church, and you’re going to confession."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says,"Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."

The Existential Pig Joke

A farmer notices that his neighbor walks his pig a half mile to the creek twice a day so the the pig can have a drink. He approaches his neighbor:

"Say, I see you bringing your pig to the creek. Why don't you make a trough, then the pig could drink anytime it wanted. That would save all that time to and from the creek."

"Yes," the neighbor said thoughtfully. "But just what is time to a pig?"

The Three-Legged Pig

A farmer who is new to the area notices that his neighbor has a three-legged pig. Curious, he asks how it happened.

“Well,” his neighbor says, “It was about a year ago. I was on the combine at harvest time, and unbeknownst to me my little daughter was playing in the field in front of me. I couldn’t see her, but that pig came a’ honkin’ and a’ squealin’ into the field and pushed my daughter out of harm’s way. Saved her life, that pig did.”

“That’s an amazing story, but it doesn’t explain why the pig only has three legs ...”

“Well, I’ll tell you something else. It wasn’t long ago, we had all gone to sleep for the night, but unbeknownst to me there was still a fire lit on the stove. The kitchen caught fire. That pig busted down the door and came in a’ honkin’ and a’ squealin’ and woke us up. Saved my family’s life, that pig did.”

“That’s also an incredible story, neighbor, but I still don’t know why the pig only has three legs ...”

“Well, I’ll tell you. A fine animal like that, well, you just don’t want to eat him all at once.”

The Doctor Visit

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete
checkup. Afterward the doctor comes out with the results.

"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."

"Oh God!" says the man. "How long have I got?"

"Ten," the doctor says sadly.

"Ten?" the man asks frantically. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?"

"Nine.........eight........"

Watch Us

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The old man said, "Will you watch us have sex?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "I don’t find any problem. There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have perfectly normal sex after asking the doctor to examine their performance, pay at the desk and leave.

On the fourth visit, the doctor asked, "I must confess I’m confused here. I know what you want, but I never see a problem. Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything, Doc. You see, this woman isn’t my wife. I’m not her husband. We sure as hell can't go to her house, and we sure as hell can’t go to mine. Now, the Holiday Inn charges $90 for a room. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare."

The Rod and Reel

A woman goes into Wall-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Wall-Mart "associate" is standing there with dark shades on. She says, "Excuse me sir ... can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am I'm completely blind, but if you'll drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him, but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with Zebco 404 reel and 10-pound test line... It's a good all-around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it."

The woman opens her purse and as she takes out her credit card holder, drops it to the floor. As she bends down to pick it up she accidentally breaks wind.

At first she is really embarrassed, but then concludes there is no way the blind guy could tell it was she who brought the bouquet. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please." The woman is totally confused by this and says, "Didn't you tell me it was on special for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"

He replies, "Yes Ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00; but the duck call is $11..00 and the catfish bait is $3.50."

The Rug

A woman walks into a shop that sells expensive Persian rugs. She looks around and spots the perfect rug and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she accidentally breaks wind. Embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident.

She turns and sees that standing next to her is a salesman.

"Good day Ma'am. How may I help you today?"

Very uncomfortable, she asks, "Sir how much does this rug cost?"

He answers, "Lady, you farted just touching it. You're gonna shit when you hear the price."

The Marriage Manual

Sadie and Esther, two elderly widows, are sitting, people-watching, in a Catskill hotel lobby.

"You know," says Sadie, "I've been reading this 'Sex and Marriage' book and all they talk about is mutual orgasm. Mutual orgasm here, mutual orgasm there, that's all they talk about. Tell me, Esther, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?"

"No,"says Esther, "I think we had State Farm."

The New Boots

Sam and Bessie are senior citizens. Sam is newly retired, and he always wanted an expensive pair of cowboy boots. Seeing a particularly nice pair on sale one day, he buys them and wears them home.

"So, do you notice anything different about me?" he asks Bessie.

"It's the same shirt you wore yesterday, and the same pants. What's different?"

Frustrated, Sam goes into the bathroom, undresses and comes out completely naked, wearing only his new boots.

"Bessie," he says, "do you notice anything different about me?"

"What's different, Sam?It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and will be hanging down again tomorrow. "

Angrily, Sam yells, “Do you know why it's hanging down? I’ll tell you. Because it's looking at my NEW BOOTS! "

Turning back to her dishes, Bessie mumbles, "You shoulda bought a hat."

Mother Superior

The Mother Superior calls all the nuns in her convent into an emergency meeting. She says, "I must tell you something very important. We have a case of gonorrhea in our convent.

Way in the back of the room an old nun exclaims, "Thanks be to God. I am so tired of White Zinfandel."

The Monkey

A monkey walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Got any bananas?"

"No."

"Got any bananas?" the monkey asks again.

"I said, no."

"Got any bananas?"

"No!"

"Got any bananas?"

"NO! How many times do I have to tell you!? You ask me that ONE more time, and I'm going to nail your damn ugly lips to the bar!!"

"Got any nails?"

"NO!!"

"Got any bananas?"

A dyslexic walks into a bra.

Confession

It’s Carlo’s turn to enter the confessional.

"Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. Yesterday I made love to my wife -"

"My son, this is no sin..."

"But Father, we made love 9 times!"

"Well, that's certainly out of the ordinary, my son, but there's nothing in Church law that places a limit on how many times a man may make love to his wife if she's willing. She was willing, wasn't she?"

"Oh, yes, Father."

"Then I can't see any sin here..."

"I know, Father. I just had to tell someone."

At the Convention

There were two gynecologists, one French and the other English, who were friends. They met at a convention in London and were talking in the hall about some of the stranger cases that they had attended to.

“It was just last week,” the frenchman recounted, “a woman came to my bureau, and she had a clitoris like a melon!”

“Come now,” said the Brit, “We’ve been friends for many years, and this time you’ve gone too far. If what you say were true, she wouldn’t have been able to walk at all, much less walk into your office.”

“No, no,” the frenchman waved a finger. “I wasn’t speaking about size. I was speaking of the taste.”

The Donkey Raffle

Claud, a Cajun, moved to Arkansas and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The farmer arrived alone the following day and said, “I’m sorry, but I have some bad news. The donkey died last night.”

“Well then,” said Claud, “just give me my money back.”

“I can’t do that. I spunt the money.”

“Okay then. Just bring me the dead donkey.”

“What you gonna do with a dead donkey?”

“I’m gonna raffle him off.”

The farmer realized who he was dealing with: an idiot. Happy to be free of his debt, he drove home, loaded up the dead donkey and delivered the body to Claud.

A month later the farmer met with Claud at the general store. He had to ask.

“How did it go with that dead donkey?”

“Like I said, I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two bucks apiece.”

The farmer scratched his head. “Didn’t anyone complain?”

“Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two bucks back.”

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's ass."

While visiting Manhattan for business, an accordion player is happy to find first, a parking space on the street, and second, in the window of a pawn shop in front of him a lovely old Italian accordion just like his grandfather played. He inquires about it and finds first, the price is more than reasonable, and second, that he has enough cash on him. He buys the instrument and puts it in the back seat of the rental car. Before leaving for his meeting he decides to find an ATM to replenish his pocket cash. The pawnbroker directs him to one several blocks away, so he begins walking.

As he takes his cash, he thinks, “My God, what was I thinking, throwing that beauty in the back seat? This is Manhattan, and people break into cars in broad daylight!” Worried, he begins jogging back to the car.

As he gets within sight of it he sees that indeed, someone has smashed the back window. Horrified, he reaches the car and looks in through the broken glass.

And there on the back seat are two accordions.

A Classy Musician’s Joke from Europe

(In European orchestras, the butt of the jokes is always a viola player.)

Late one afternoon after orchestra rehearsal, a violist is riding home in a taxi after enjoying a glass of wine at a bistro. He sees that there is smoke rising from his part of town. As they get closer, he sees that it is coming from his neighborhood. The driver mutters a prayer quietly and crosses himself. When the taxi turns on his street, the violist is shocked to see that it had been his own house burning. He jumps out of the taxi and runs to his home.

A policeman intercepts him. “Stop, sir. You can’t go any further.”

“But that is my house!”

“It has been roped off, and you must stay outside of the barrier.”

“But my house ...!”

“I’m sorry, sir. Your home was completely destroyed.”

“But ... but my wife! My children!”

“I’m sorry, sir, but there appears to have been no survivors.”

“Oh, my family, my home! My life!” the violist wails. “Please! you must tell me what happened! How has this come to be?”

“Your neighbors tell us that the Maestro drove up to your home in a taxi, and apparently he was carrying a can of gasoline. He walked all around the house, sprinkling gasoline on the ground and the walls. He lit a match, threw it down, and left in the taxi.”

“The Maestro ...?”

“Yes, sir.”

The violist’s eyes widen, and he begins to smile. “The Maestro ... came ... to my house?”

Doctors and Lawyers

Two physicians boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an attorney got on and took the aisle seat next to the two physicians. They chat enough to learn each other’s professions.

After takeoff, he attorney kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the physician in the window seat said, “Excuse me, I think I'll get up and get a Coke. The flight attendants are taking their time.”

"No problem," said the attorney, "I have to get up to let you out, so I'll just get it for you." The physician thanked him.

While he was gone, one of the physicians picked up the attorney's shoe and spat in it. When he returned with the Coke, the other physician said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too." He began to get up.

Again, the attorney obligingly went to fetch it for him, saying it was no problem. While he was gone, the other doctor picked up the other shoe and spat in it.

The attorney returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing,the attorney slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"How long must this go on?” he asked, his head raised to the ceiling. “This fighting between our professions? This animosity, this hatred? This spitting in shoes and peeing in Cokes?"

The Milk Bath

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. D id you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath."

The milkman asked,"Pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No. Just up to my breasts."

What’s brown and has holes in it? Swiss shit.

A skeleton walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “I’d like a beer, and a mop.”

REDNECK HAIKU

MULLET

O! Squirrel brother,

Your tail, my hair. We are one.

Yet I must eat you.

Guiseppe

An Italian-American took a trip to visit his parents’ homeland, which he’d never seen. He visited a quaint northern village on the sea, and chose to lunch at a restaurant perched on a hill overlooking the harbor. He struck up a conversation on the open air terrace with the only customer there, a fellow by the name of Guiseppe. Enjoying the view, the American asked him what he did.

“Ah!” said Guiseppe. “Do you see, across the harbor, the home of the rich man? Do you see the stone wall around his beautiful house?”

“Yes, it’s very beautiful.”

“And do you see how the top of the wall was built to resemble the ocean waves, the gentle swells of a sea at peace, the peace that all our fishermen hope to find each morning as they leave their families?”

The American looked closer. “Yes, that also is very beautiful. It must have been difficult.”

“Yes, my friend! Very difficult!” said Guiseppe. “But!” he said angrily. “These people here ... do they call me Guiseppe the Stone Mason? No! And! Do you see, my good friend, the wooden sailing vessel just there below us?”

“Yes,” the American said, looking down.

“A marvelous craft, yes? But do you see how her prow is shaped in the form of a nude woman, her eyes almost burning holes into you, and her breasts thrust proudly out to the sea before them as a testament to the conquering nature of man?”

“Yes,” said the American, “she is carved beautifully. It’s quite a stunning piece of work. You did that, Guiseppe?”

“Yes, my friend! And I carved her in only a week.” The anger returned to his face. “But here, do they call me Guiseppe the Wood Carver?”

“No?”

“No!” Guiseppe became quiet and looked down at his hands. “But you fuck one little goat ....”

Bad Little Harold

The teacher asked Bad Little Harold, “There are three birds on a wire; you shoot two. How many are left?”

“Why, none, teacher.”

“What? None? Three birds, you take away two, and there’s none left? Why none?”

“Because the noise of the gun will make that last bird fly off.”

The teacher was both surprised and exasperated. “Harold, I have to admit you have a point, but this is math class and I’m asking you to solve a math problem, so don’t be a smart aleck. If you take two away from a set of three, you have one left. You need to behave like you’re in a class, not out in the country. But I like the way you think.”

“Okay teacher, now let me ask you a question. Three women are coming out of an ice cream shop. One is eating a banana sundae, one has a root beer float, and the third one is sucking on a popsicle. Which one is married?”

“Harold you are so bad! You’ve suckered me into joke after joke for years. This is the last time I’m going to play along. All right, the married one is the one sucking on the popsicle.”

“No, it’s the one with the baby. But I like the way you think.”

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll

squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Vulgar French With Apologies for Giving Offense by Including This, Sort of, Because It’s Really an Educational Cultural Tool That Sheds Light on the Similarities Between Our Two Cultures, Showing That We Are All More Alike Than Different

Je recherche un talonneur appelé Marie. Elle peut avoir ma pochette.

I'm looking for a hooker named Marie. She may have my wallet.

Ce goût du vin comme la pisse de chien. Où peux-je circuler un Pabst ici ?

This wine tastes like dog piss. Where can I get a Pabst around here?

Je l'aime bizarre-modèle.

I like it freaky-style.

Madame, vos seins sont remarquable : grand, bouncy, et parfaitement en rond.

Madam, your breasts are remarkable: large, bouncy, and perfectly round.

Et vos quartiers arrières ne sont pas gâtés non plus.

And your hindquarters are not bad either.

Est-ce que, la manie inexplicable de camionneur-chapeau de maille me dit a balayé votre nation aussi bien, pétillant aussi rapidement qu'elle a mis à feu?

Tell me, did the inexplicable mesh trucker-cap craze sweep your nation as well, fizzling as quickly as it ignited?

Yo, maisons, vous savez où je peux marquer de l’énergie hydraulique?

Yo, homes, you know where I can score some hydro?

Je veux donner une fessée à cette chienne méchante.

I want to spank that nasty bitch.

Par la “chienne,” naturellement, je me référais au carniche femelle qui a chié devant mon hôtel. Je ne me référerais jamais à une jeune dame française comme vous-même employant de tels termes vulgaires.

By “bitch,” of course, I was referring to the female poodle that has crapped in front of my hotel. I would never refer to a young French lady like you using such vulgar terms.

Cette merde est whack.

This shit is whack.

Elle a des décharges comme un camion.

She’s got dumps like a truck.

Est-ce que ceci viennent avec "une fin heureuse"?

Does this come with a "happy ending"?

Monsieur, je voudrais avoir le sexe avec votre épouse, chien-modèle.

Sir, I would like to have sex with your wife, doggy-style.

Mon anaconda n'en veulent aucun à moins que vous ayez obtenu des brioches, hon.

My anaconda don't want none unless you got buns, hon.

Pouvez-vous recommander un bon hôtel avec des taux par heure ? J'ai seulement l'heure pour rapide.

Can you recommend a good hotel with hourly rates? I've only got time for a quickie.

Cette prostituée a pu avoir en fait été un homme. Veuillez tenir mon chapeau pour moi tandis que je vomis.

That prostitute may have, in fact, been a man. Please hold my hat for me while I vomit.

The Texan Ego

A Texan buys a round of drinks for all the folks in a bar after announcing that his wife has just produced a "typical" Texas baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Congratulations are showered upon him from all around. Exclamations of "WOW!" fill the air. A woman faints nearby from sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, the Texan returns to the bar. The bartender asks, "Say, aren't you the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth?"

"Yep, that's me," replies the Texan.

"Well, how much does he weigh now?"

"Seventeen pounds," answers the proud father.

"Seventeen pounds?" says the puzzled bartender. "What happened? He weighed 25 pounds at birth."

The Texas father takes a slow swig from his Lone Star beer, wipes his mouth on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and with his best says, "Had him circumcised.

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their ass when they ask where the bathroom is?

The Old Boy and the Bear

Three old boys were on the porch of the general store, swapping tales about some of the more foolish things they had done as younger men.

“Guess I was about twenty,” one of them began, “and I was out in the woods shootin’ birds and cans with my little 22 pistol. I must’ve scared a little bear cub, because right outta nowhere comes this big ol’ mama bear, comin’ towards me on her hind legs, and roarin’ mightily.”

“My God,” says one old boy. “Well, you had a pistol. Did you shoot her?”

“Partner, you shoot a bear that size, you just make her mad. A 22 ain’t nothin’ in that case, believe me.”

“Well, then, what’d you do?”

The old boy stood up. “Well, I rose up to my full height, just like her, and I raised my arms over my head, just like this, and as loud as I could, I yelled ‘ROWWWRRRR!’ just like that. And I shit in my pants!”

“Well, I can sympathize with that. Maybe I’d shit too, if I saw a big ol’ bear comin’ at me like that!”

“No, I meant I shit just now, when I yelled ‘ROWWWRRR!’”

The Hand Phone

The bar was empty but for the bartender and one customer. The bartender was watching TV when he noticed that his lone customer was talking into his hand, which he was holding near his ear. He waited until the mumbling stopped before he said, “Excuse me, can I ask what you’re doing?”

“I’ll call you back,” the customer said to his hand. To the bartender he said, “I’m talking into my hand phone.”

The bartender came close to him. “No, you’re not. I’m sorry, but there’s no such thing as a hand phone. Look. I’ve been here over twenty years and I’ve seen just about every kind of crazy there is, and I’m gonna have to ask you to leave. I can’t have your kind of people in my bar.”

“Wait! No, really, it’s a hand phone! It’s the latest technology. It’s grafted into my hand.”

“Sure it is. Get out. Now.”

“No, wait! I can prove it! Just give me a chance. What’s your phone number?”

The bartender glared at him. “Let’s get this over with.” He gave the man his phone number, watching him press the numbers into his hand.

“Come here and listen,” the customer said. He pressed his hand to the bartender’s ear. Sure enough, the bartender heard the sound of a phone ringing

coming from the hand. Then he heard his own voice on his own voice mail say, “Hello, I’m not home right now ...”

“I owe you an apology,” the bartender said. “You were right. Can I buy you a drink?”

The customer took him up on it and had a drink. People came in and the bartender became busy, but every time the customer’s drink ran dry, he replenished it. Later on the man went to the men’s room.

After some time, the bartender looked down his bar and noticed that the man was still gone. Some minutes went buy until the bartender started to get worried. He thought to himself, “I was mean to that guy, then maybe too nice. He might be so drunk that he passed out in the toilets.” He told the patrons that he’d be right back and went into the men’s room.

And what did he see but his customer standing with his hands against the wall, his pants around his ankles, and a long strand of toilet paper trailing from his ass.

“What are you doing!” the bartender shouted. “I thought you were crazy, then that you weren’t, and now here you are like this in the bathroom standing there like the crazy person I thought you were! What the hell are you doing?”

The customer looked at the bartender over his shoulder and said, “I’m waiting for a fax.”

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

The Cousins

The city cousin paid a visit to his cousin in the country. He enjoyed a day of looking at the farm, and after dinner they were having a beer outside on the lawn, enjoying the fresh air. A little she-goat was grazing nearby.

“So tell me,” his cousin said. “You been living in the city all your life. You ever done it with a ...” and he nodded in the direction of the goat.

“Are you kidding?” he asked, smiling.

His cousin shook his head, not kidding.

“You’re not kidding.” Silence. “Look, can we just forget –”

“Yep, just forget I said that, cousin.”

“Right. What say we hit the sack? I’m tired after driving all day.”

“Sure thing.” His cousin brought him into the house, showed him the spare bedroom, and they had another beer, after which they retired to their rooms.

He laid there on his bed with the window open and the pleasant breeze floating in, but he could drift off. Maybe I’ll go outside again, he thought. The night air might make me a little drowsier. Not bothering to dress, he slipped on his new cowboy boots and walked outside in his underwear.

It was indeed a lovely evening, the night sky full of stars.

The she-goat walked up to him. Looked right up at him. He looked down at her. She blinked her eyes. He thought her eyes were lovely. He patted her on her head, then looked up at the sky again. When he looked down, the goat was still looking up at him. He looked around. He was alone. Why not? he thought. Who will know?

How is this done? he thought. He thought of the stories he’d heard, and remembered. “Turn around,” he said to the goat. She obligingly turned around.

Reaching down, he lifted up a hind leg and put it in his boot. Then the other. He lowered his shorts, and lifted the she-goat’s tail –

Bright lights lit up from all directions, powerful lights on poles in the back of trucks driving into the yard. Sirens blared and moaned. Men were walking toward him, a Swat team aiming rifles and pistols at him. Ten police cars were in the yard and a helicopter roared above; from it he heard from a loudspeaker, “Don’t move!”

It is six months later. We are at his trial. The prosecuting attorney has just finished his closing statements. A suave, trim and well-dressed and well-groomed man, he walks back to his seat after having delivered an articulate and particularly damning speech detailing the horrific crime of the accused. Now the defense attorney rises.

A rumpled man in need of a hairbrush, he approaches the jury box. His shirt is coming untucked from his straining waistband, and his tie is askew.

“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,” he begins. “After what you’ve just heard, it would be foolish of me to stand here before you and insult you by saying that my client did not commit this heinous crime. Oh, no.” The lawyer pauses and looks down at his scuffed shoes. “No, my client did, in fact, do the thing he’s accused of.

“But ladies and gentlemen, I have new information to offer to the court. I know something that you do not, something that you must take into consideration as you make your deliberations in seclusion. And it is this:

“Ladies and gentlemen .... The goat kissed him first.”

The courtroom became eerily silent. So quiet that one could hear the old boy in the jury box lean over to the old boy next to him and whisper,

“A good goat’ll do that.”

The Irish Toast

John O'Reilly was a member of an Irish Toast Masters Club and one evening at the meeting, a contest was held to see who could deliver the best toast. John O'Reilly won the contest for the best toast of the evening

"Here's To The Best Years o' Me Life, Spent Between The Legs o' Me Wife."

When John O'Reilly arrived home, his beautiful wife asked him how the Toast Masters meeting had gone, and he said, "I won the contest for the best toast of the evening."

His wife then asked him what his toast was, and he said, 'Here's To The Best Years o' me Life, Spent in Church wi' me Wife."

His wife then said, "Why John, that's so nice of you to include me in your Toast."

The next morning, Mrs. O'Reilly was downtown shopping and ran into the local policeman on the beat who was also at the Toast Masters meeting with John O'Reilly.

He said, "Hello Mrs. O'Reilly, that was some great toast that your husband John gave at the Toast Masters meeting last evening. He won first prize".

"Yes, that's right," said Mrs. O'Reilly, "but he wasn't quite honest with the facts: he's only been there twice, the first time he fell asleep and the second time I had to pull him out by the ears."

This Joke Goes Against Planetary Healing.

An Arab was walking through the Sahara desert, desperate for water, when he saw something, far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked toward the image, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a

card table with a bunch of neckties laid out on it.

The Arab asked "Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?"

The old Jew replied, "I don't have any water but why don't you buy a tie?

Here's one that goes nicely with your robes."

The Arab shouted "I don't want a tie, you camel dung, I need water!"

"OK, don't buy a tie, But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that over that hill there, about 4 miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way, they'll give you all the water you want."

The Arab gruffly thanked him, walked away toward the hill, and eventually disappeared.
Three hours later, the Arab came crawling back to where the man was sitting behind his card table. The old Jew said, "I told you, about 4 miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?"

The Arab rasped, "I found it all right. They wouldn't let me in without a tie."

The Praying Jew; The Best Jokes Are True

A young woman journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau has an apartment overlooking the Wailing Wall. At certain times every day when she looks out her window she sees an old bearded Jewish man praying solemnly, his lips moving and his eyes closed. Certainly, he would be a good interview subject, so the journalist walks down to the Wall and introduces herself to the old man after his prayers.

She asks, "You come every day to the Wall; how long have you done that, and what are you praying for?"

The old man replies, "I have come here to pray every day for 25 years. In the morning I pray for world peace and for the brotherhood of man. I go home have lunch, and in the afternoon I come back and pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth, that children will someday not go hungry, and I pray for wisdom for our leaders as they guide us in this fearful world. And, very important, I pray for peace and understanding between the Israelis and Palestinians."

The journalist is moved to silence, so humbled is she by the sincerity of this old man. Then she remembers her training and asks her second question.

"So,” she asks, “how does it feel to come here every day for 25 years and pray for these wonderful things? What’s it like?"

The old man shrugs his shoulders and replies, "Like talking to a wall."